For the most part I find that I only want to blog when everything is beautiful in my life. When I am loving being a mom and when I am on top of things. When I get to be crafty and my house is clean. When I spend the day cooking delicious and/or healthy things. When things are going in such a way that I want to read about it and say "ah what a lovely life I have! I'm so happy!" Today, none of these things feel true. I'm tired. I want to craft and have many projects started but no energy or time for them. My house is a mess! I need to plan meals and cook but I have a toddler that currently needs more of me than I have to give. I feel disconnected from everyone and don't feel like I have any close friends but also don't feel like working at relationships with people. I find that I can be terribly judgmental toward people and I have never seen this in me to this degree. Frankly, I hate it! But for some reason its hard for me to be ok with people doing things so differently! I think it's mainly mothering. I hate when people are harsh with their children or do things certain ways because it's what someone else reccomends and it has nothing to do with what they as a mother or father actually feel to be best for the baby/whole family. I hate when I feel judged by other people for mothering the way I do. Like still nursing my one year old (better get used to it people, because I plan to go untill she's done, probably age 3!) or when I let her be a a little girl and run a round. And let her experience things. Usually telling her no only when it may hurt her or another person or their things. Or when I pick her up when she wants me. (and just so people know, this has nothing to do with the church I visited this morning. I felt loved and accepted there.)
I need a break. I need some me time but I also need some time to just hang out with my husband. I miss being his friend. I also miss doing things I used to do like going to art and music shows. Theatre, getting out on the town etc... But being out very late is not only hard on me it's hard on the toddler that nurses to sleep. And when we've been running around all week, going out just doesn't sound as fun. Why is every trip to the store 60times harder?! I know this is only a season but it's a difficult season! Not saying it's not fun, or rewarding, or that I won't look back on this time wishing it was still here to some degree but, it seems to be the most draining time of my life! While I'm complaing:
I miss being in Mozambique! and the simplicity of life there! I miss being so much closer to God. And the fellowship and love that was everywhere. I miss having meals with the pastors and hearing stories of their families in broken English. I do miss the beautiful children running all over the base and the amazing ocean right outside the base. I miss the way people witness there. Not passing judgement but just loving people. Oh there was SO much love there! And seeing the Power of God like it was a normal part of life. Maybe we will get to go back sometime with our children.
Well, maybe just writing all of this down has helped a bit. Now I get to tend to the child who is awake and just started crying. Wooowhoo! Maybe we will go to the park.
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